hating myself
20.36
14 sept 2005
had sch as usual today.. had my piano lesson too.. hmm.. added a site meter to the blog, done by cindy, thanks diie.. ani objection? if yes then have to jus delete away..
hmm.. i mentioned i talk to yen on sunday.. then she was asking how am i and stuff like tt.. i told her i am not myself animore.. i am not the cheerful, loud and chatty me.. no more building up of qi fen, no more.. everything have gone.. not a single cheerful cell of mine is still alive.. no more the happy go lucky pei, no more the strong pei.. bye to the gal who doesnt worry abt sch.. hi to the useless mi.. my life have change alot.. perhaps i might change abit more independent, less lazy.. but i still love the old me.. the strong me.. the one who doesnt shed tears so easily.. things have really change.. yen said tt i am saving up my energy so that when i go back it can be used.. wahhaa.. i can cry jus by reading an article abt someones pet dying, i can cry jus by watching the tv showing the disables parents and their children and wat the father have said.. this are things i will feel touched but nv cry.. i have become even more sensitive then before, how the teachers react, wat the people ard are thinking.. i dono.. i jus hate myself now.. results do bother me last time, but i wil not compare my result and feel bad if i got worst then someone, i will nv worry abt my results for the whole day.. but things have change.. i dono if this is gd or bad.. i noe its not gd to compare results but well.. i jus cant stop myself from thinking.. i feel like some idiotic fool.. i nv wanted to end myself it such things.. always looking at ppl from the top sch being so competitive and wil be thinking nv to end myself in such things.. many ppl says coming overseas to study is easy.. but after coming here, it seems likewise, many students started smoking because they find it very stress here and many didnt like it here, some even ask me y i came here since i can get into a poly..
its been 2 mth plus here, but well, although things have improve, but its still not gd.. everytime troubling the ppl ard me whenever i cry.. sometimes i cant help but think u ppl might get annoyed if i always confide to u all.. i m really sorry and really thanks.. thanks to jiemin, whom talk to me for hours, thanks to jc for always encouraging me and always there for me, thanks to diee for listening to me and making my days past faster, thanks to ct for encouraging and advicing me, thanks to hui for talking to me, sending me songs and encouraging me, thanks to lala who did something so heart warming.. and thanks to those who ask abt me.. hehee.. hope this wil be the last time i write something so sad.. i dont wan this blog to be like me.. yuppy..
lurve
pei